Growing from a People Pleaser and Setting Firm Boundaries
If you are a recovering people pleaser you understand just how hard it can be to actually recover from being a people pleaser. Maybe you are here because you are trying to change and set more boundaries. Either way I hope I can help you become more confident and set those important boundaries for you! I have been a people pleaser for years so I come from experience until recently when I had a wake up call that changed me. It made me go from a people pleaser to setting firm boundaries. For some people this can happen and it can happen fast or sometimes it takes time. However, if you think it is impossible for you like I once did I promise you it is for sure possible! Some of us just need a reality check and some of us just don't think it's that bad until we are put into situations where it affects us or people around us.
Now this process isn't easy and you won't change in a day. It takes time, determination, and patience with yourself. One thing I will add as well, you need confidence to set these boundaries. If you haven't already, check out my blog post on boosting self-confidence! This will help you gain that confidence for setting those much needed boundaries. Now I want to share some of my wake up call experiences that have helped me become firm with boundaries.
Growing up I was always a people pleaser. I cared more about other people's opinions and helping others more than myself. It continued well into my 20's and now at 27 I have put a stop to it. At one point I let people tell me how to raise my child, I've let people walk all over me when it came to my schedule and I would constantly cancel my plans for other people and would never let myself have time that I needed for me. This includes my own family as well. I put everyone before myself. Once that moment comes where you realize this needs to stop and it needs to stop now. You will really be able to fully take care of you and your confidence and your ability to be assertive with your wants and needs.
What are the signs that you are a people pleaser? Let's go over them...
Do you constantly apologize? For doing nothing wrong?
You want everyone to like you and you become upset if someone doesn't.
Overly kind to everyone even if someone is being rude to you
Having many friends that do not respect you but you can't end the friendships
People take advantage of you even when your busy.
You have difficulty with saying no.
You have a fear for rejection
You tend to be in stuck in situations you don't want to be in.
Rarely disagreeing with others
You have an inability to truly enjoy yourself
There are many signs that you are a people pleaser as you can see here. Now how to solve this.
Learning About Assertive Communication
Assertive communication is a great way to start and I recommend practicing this with a friend or family member. Making scenarios that would put you in a position where you need to be firm. Start small of course too! This is why I recommend practicing scenarios. The second thing you will want to do is manage your emotions. Practicing remaining calm and keeping your voice firm. You want to keep your voice firm because if you don't and the people taking advantage you notice the tone that you use when you let them take advantage of you they will continue to do this. Learn how to maintain eye contact! Maintaining eye contact will show that you are confident! Maintaining a proper amount of eye contact is important and I recommend following the 50/70 rule. This is maintaining eye contact for 50% of the time while you are speaking and 70% of the time while listening.
Stop Apologizing
This one I find to be one of the most important one's because if you constantly apologize for everything you will be seen as not confident and most definitely a people pleaser. Now this is going to take time and is not something that you can change immediately and there will be times you still slip up and apologize for things you do not need to apologize for. I still sometimes catch myself doing this. To help yourself with this you need to be more self-aware of what you are saying and understand why you frequently apologize. For many it can be an indicator of childhood trauma, emotional or mental abuse and even physical abuse. Replacing the apologies with statements like, "I was busy but I am available now", "Thank You", "I appreciate your feedback", "I disagree", and "I see your point".
You Are Not Responsible For Everything
Learning that you are not responsible for everything will help you achieve firm boundaries. Now to do this you will need to reflect and I recommend journaling the things that you are responsible for vs. what you are not responsible for. It's important to understand that other people have their own life choices and responsibilities that they should not put on you. Learn how you can directly control and recognize when someone is pushing their responsibilities on you and I am not saying that you shouldn't help people but if this person is taking advantage of you or you have too much on your plate then, this is where you say no.
Underlying Issues
To find out what underlying issues could be causing you to be a people pleaser I recommend talking with a therapist! This will greatly help you in the long run and being a chronic people pleaser is a very valid reason to go to therapy.
Here are some underlying issues that can contribute you to be a chronic people pleaser:
Depression and Anxiety
Insecurity
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
Childhood Experiences
Having an overdeveloped sense of personal responsibility
Perfectionism
Loss of Identity
Insecurity
Fear of Rejection
Using your Body Language
Having confident body language while you are in a discussion will also help you out in the long run. When you use body language you are helping people understand what you are thinking and feeling Overall, this helps you improve your communication skills. Body language can also raise your self-esteem and it can increase your self-confidence. Here are ways that you can show body language while communicating:
Your facial expressions
Your posture
Maintaining that eye contact we talked about before
Using hand gestures
Learning the Importance of Discussions
We are gonna talk about learning how to have the difficult discussions that are needed as a people pleaser. One thing to remember is that it can and most likely will feel uncomfortable to have those awkward discussions. Establishing open communication and speaking freely can help through the difficult conversations. Another wonderful aspect to add is the four D's of difficult conversations which include discover, define, discuss, and decide. Let's dive a bit deeper into these:
Discover: This is understand the root cause of the issue and how to approach it.
Define: This is addressing the problem clearly. Without adding unnecessary blame or ridicule.
Discuss: Discuss openly to hear and consider all the perspectives of the conversation.
Decide: Even if in the end you do not agree it is important in this step to find a resolution.
Challenge the Negative Self-Talk
This is something that I still struggle with occasionally and there are a few things I have done to help with this and one thing is redirection. sing redirection and changing that negative thought into a positive one. This takes time and is not something that you can just fix in a day. For some it may even take years but progress is important in improving. A method I use is the three C's method. Catch it, check it and change it.
With this method at anytime if you catch yourself in a rut with negative self talk you catch it and change what you are thinking into a more positive thought. Another wonderful thing to do is journaling and again finding a therapist!
Overall, it is challenging to recover from being a people pleaser. However it is possible. Remember that it is okay to seek therapy as well to help you through it!
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